


An Epiphany

by InsaneJul



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship/Love, Healthy Relationships, Introspection, Love, M/M, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-13
Updated: 2017-01-13
Packaged: 2018-09-16 18:29:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9284447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InsaneJul/pseuds/InsaneJul
Summary: The moment when you begin to believe that someone loves you is indescribably beautiful.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is for Sam and Corina, who need lots more love. A partially autobiographical work about coming to terms with romantic relationships and one's own mental illness and how to reconcile the two. Here's a lot of feelings for you guys.

            You think it will never come, but it does. That moment when you can’t deny it anymore. When you can finally believe in everything he’s done, everything he’s said—it’s hard to identify exactly when it happened, but you know it’s happened.

            Did you have to kiss him first? No, but he kissed you and you still didn’t believe.

            Did you have to hold his hand first? No, but you did, many times, and you still didn’t believe.

            Did you have to sleep beside him first? No, but you drifted off with his head on your chest and you still didn’t believe.

            Did you have to buy him a ring first? No, but you bought it and he gave you one of his own, and you still didn’t believe.

            Whenever it happened, however it happened, you turn to look at him today and know only this: _he loves me._ He loves you.

            Something in his eyes lights up when he sees you and _you can see it happening._ The smile on his face when he speaks to you is special, just for you, and _you can recognize it._ You never thought anyone would love you the way he does—hell, it doesn’t feel possible, like a rom-com—but you look at him and now you know he does. It doesn’t hurt to admit it. It isn’t as frightening as it has been.

            There’s something in the quality of his voice when he tells you he needs you to be honest with him when you fall apart. When you are too afraid to move, when you are too tired to go on, when you are too broken to want to live. You thought no one would want to know your pain, but when he begs you _please, I would rather be there for you when you feel like that,_ you _believe_ him, you _want_ to share all of that with him. You want to hear his voice or read his words when you’re ready to throw yourself away. And he, he wants to tell you. You can see it in his eyes, on his face, hear it in his voice, feel it in the way he holds you. He wants to tell you he loves you _every day._ He wants to be _there_ when you’re falling. He will be there because he _wants to,_ no other reason than that, and you feel so _full_.

            Now it is certain you cannot lose him. Not when he loves you like this, not when you can _believe_ he loves you. It took far too long, it hurt him on the way down, and you will never, ever hurt him again. No matter how many times you have wanted to push him away, no matter how hard you have tried. No matter how close you have gotten to telling him it’s over, he should go—no matter that you actually did, once, and made him cry. You want to promise him that every time you talk like that he should just stop listening. He should know it isn’t you, it’s someone else, something else, these feelings that won’t fully go away, that you aren’t enough, that you’re bad for him.

            Maybe you _are_ bad for him—you still haven’t gotten rid of that fear yet—but he doesn’t care. You know he doesn’t care. You will break down again, you will burn him and push him and hurt him—but he _won’t leave_ , this is something you are _certain_ of. You will break down again and he will be the person you reach for. That is okay—that is what he wants—that is the right way to do things.

            Others try to tell you how to live your life, how to love him properly, and you don’t need to listen. You know how _you_ love him—how _you_ feel, and on most days, on _good_ days, it’s enough. You _know_ it’s enough—because it’s you, and when he smiles at you it’s easy to see that’s all he wants. How hard it was to believe that you, just you, would be enough for someone. That you don’t have to fight for him, to earn him, to pull him away. He came for you—he came of his own volition and you know that he will come back whenever he leaves. There is no question. Part of you asks if he’ll fall for someone else—and another voice in your head scoffs and replies, _how could he if you loves you so completely?_

            It ought to feel fake. It ought to feel wrong. It ought to frighten you. But, somehow, it doesn’t. Somehow, you can _believe_ in this. After everything you’ve been so afraid of, after everything you denied for so long, it was surprisingly easy to let go and believe. Maybe it took a lot of repetition on his part. Maybe it took a lot of pain on both sides. Maybe it took a long fight in your own heart. But who cares? You’re safe with him. You’re safe, and you’re free, and so is he. His happiness is guaranteed by your presence alone; you don’t need to fight anymore, just stay with him and everything will be all right.

           

**Author's Note:**

> Don't tell my boyfriend I wrote this.


End file.
